Free, Breakthrough

Hmm... the day started in a pretty weird way for me, woke up @ 1035 and headed on down to amk hub... to play ARCADE! kind of weird right? well i got back @ about 130... had lunch and @ about 230 i went into my usual sunday afternoon slumber... Man I had the same dream again! how spot on can it get... woot sometime wierd is going on definately.. well I shared it with edmund and richard and guess what? edmund told me he had a similar dream 2days back... okay... interesting but wierd... oh wells lets cut the unimportant stuff out shall we?

Haha I had my breakthrough I've been longing for!! I've finally got my breakthrough on my fear of rejection! YEAH!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!! Praise the LORD!! now i feel FREE no longer burdened!!! HAHA!! HE sure knows how to do things with a bang! WOW.

Do I really belong else where?

Hmmm... no matter how hard I try, I always feel I'm different from others... the way I think, the way I do things, the way I interact... it's just so different... no similarities at... do I really belong here? I am quiet because my views will never be accepted, I think I am happy just watching from behind. maybe I should just observe, talk less... because I really dont think that my views are required... If I have to change so that I'll be accepted, then I rather walk away... is there really no place that I can feel comfortable? is there really no where that I will be accepted as myself? Right now I'm just keeping my own ass nice and warm... but how long can I go on like this? Identity? just who am I? Why am I so so so different from my peers? 1 year is all I give myself... Harsh? yes, I dont have a choice anymore... how I progress from now till next june/july will all determine where I'll be... Maybe when I leave I wouldn't come back anymore... I just cant help but think that I belong else where... Maybe I should have taken my dad's offer sometime back and gone to Vegas to study.

Manhood... well it does make some sense... so which means I really dont have a choice this time huh... I've got to do it all once again... yes it hurts, painful memories coming back... but in order to grow I must press on... pressing on even though it hurts? yeah maybe I've already gotten used to the hurt that it becomes a norm... like an everyday affair thing...

Thank You GOD! You are faithful even when we are faithless. somehow problems seems aplenty and I seem to be drowning in them... I can hardly keep myself afloat man... But GOD is faithful and all I need to do is pull my good for nothing ass out of this mess... well easier said then done... looks like its going back to square 1, slowly solving 1 mess @ a time... oh boy here we go again... same old stuff, GOD what is it that you want me to learn from all this?

Letting it all go from my control...

Hello... well I guess nothing much really happend to me for the entire week other then feeling dead and lifeless BUT GOD has been faithful even when I'm faithless! I've been blessed financially!! Amen, Praise the LORD! well I definately need to work harder in certain areas of my life, but 1st and fore most I need to let everything go from my own control into HIS hands... servanthood... an area I'm not too comfortable but yet I have to start getting comfortable, imagine after all those years of having people serve you, then all of a sudden its your turn to serve people... its hard for me to sallow BUT I can do it through HIM who gives me strength!
well I'm definately looking forward to my growth in this area and as well as my overall growth! it seems that I'm slowly begining to identify more problem areas but up till now I have really solved all... if this keeps up how will I ever solve all? hmmm.... maybe thats the reason why I have the gift of FAITH. Whoooo... life is so full of surprises, either you take it or you crumble.

Here we go again...

well... here we go again... I've just hit the low spot once again... it really does suck to be at the low point, everything seems dead an uninteresting... what's worst, I'm doing things that I know its wrong and shouldn't even think of it much less do it... I really really really need to pull my ass out of this state fast... but right now I just seem so out of sorts... to make matters worst school is starting next week... my oh my, how am I ever going to pull myself out of this slump before school starts.... well as much as I hate to admit it, I really need some help here.... but stubborn as a mule, i'll prolly say "its okay, no big deal at all, nothing I cant handle (with a huge smile there)"
Oh Lord I need some help here... please send help, I'm sinking...I'm drowning... *argh!*

I've just realised that my tolerance for my grandma's nonsense is rather on the short fused... man she'll drive me nuts if I stay on any longer @ her house man... within 24hours I had to answer her the same question about 3-4 times... amagad! terrible terrible... but I guess I cant blame her though, she's getting on with age... sometimes I wonder how much longer does she has on this world... and how much longer I have to share the gospel and see her get saved... Once again time is ticking... Once again I need to shape up and act fast. Boy oh boy here we go again.

A decision to make....

hmm... seems like another slow slow day, another meaningless day passing by... well I had lunch with Richard @ 608 today haha I guess we had a rather fruitful convo :) after that I went home to sleep!!!! yes sleep!!! I guess I wasnt in shape to do anything else. well i woke up just in time to go for dinner! haha and boy oh boy what a fantastic dinner it was! I had my favourite CHILLI CRABS!!! ooo-la-la!!! check that out baby! well after that my day just reverted back into an uninteresting one... life is boring @ the moment, nothing to spice up my life... maybe when school starts things might just get alittle more interesting? hmmm... I dont really know what will happen, how will things change for the worst or for the better...

Decisions,decisions,decisions... an important one I have to make,
Soon it must be or destroyed I will be,
Faithless as I am now or Faithful I should be,
Lost as I am or Found I shall be,
In the darkness or in the light,
Filled with fear or be filled with courage,
Run away or stand and fight,
My weakness forever or My strength it will be,
Stagnate as I am or Grow I shall,
So important is this decision.

Changes...

Slow day it has been... went to watch KungFu Panda in the afternoon with wanfong and penny @ amk hub haha the show is pretty funny! so yeah guys go watch it if u want some laughter!

I feel I'm changing into someone I dont know,
I feel that things wont be the same anymore,
The world I live in, the world I'm comfortable in will all disappear soon,
I'm losing all that I've nurtured over the years,
Everything I've believed in over the years are begining to hurt me,
All that i've learnt in the past is it just but a mere illusion?
Torn between what I've believed and I've come to believe,
A sacrifice I have to make, a decision I have made,
Once again I've come to love, despite telling myself never to love again,
Again a wall too high appears, again I might fall,
Once again I must fight, gone are the days of hiding,
A final challenge, the last time I must give my all,
In God I trust, by my own strength I do not trust,
I cannot turn back now, in you my LORD I entrust myself.

How is it that I could love again?
I've told myself that I would never feel for another like that again,
Now I must face myself once more, now I must go through pain and hurt,
A problem I had left behind returns, I dont want to love another like that again,
But why does it come back to me again, I dont want to be hurt,
How could it be that I have fallen for one without knowing why?
I'm scared to even make the 1st move, its not like me to react this way,
I do not know what to do anymore, I'm lost.

Back in action!

Hellooooo people! i'm back in action again after having no internet connection for 3days! haha i was staying @ grandma's for 3 days which explains why i haven't been blogging. Haha things are going smoothly, lots of great things has happend and i'm sure there is more to come as i continue my walk with GOD (praise the LORD!). Haha in the mist of all the burdens and problems came help from an unexpected source...my aunt (Thank You God!)... as i was spending time with my grandma, my aunt popped by and i took this opportunity to share my problems with her, and what she said to me really took me by surprise! i was completely shocked but yet happy that i was able to receive such an insight! she shared with me Eph 6:10-18 and told me that it is not the flesh and blood that i should be fighting, but it is the one behind him that i should be fighting... which boils down to Spiritual Warfare!!! this has really taken my perspective to a whole new level something beyond i could realise it on my own...how blinded have i become? Thank You LORD for sending help and encouragement in my times of need. I feel that i am really blessed to know that there are others who cares and are concerned about my well being physically and spiritually :) Thank you everyone!! knowing that alone already gives me the motivation and courage to continue!! (Thank You GOD!! Praise the LORD!!)

Last but not least, the past week has been one amazing roller coaster ride! i actually managed to got to church every morning faithfully for prayer meeting!!! haha i really can do all things through Christ!!! HE has strenghten my discipline to wake up early WITHOUT grumbling!!! Praise the LORD!!! i've attained a new level in my discipline!!! and also I've begun to LOVE praying!!! woot!!!! Amen!!! the LORD is WONDERFUL!!! I definately need to rise up to another level again and i hope its going to be soon!!! i just cant wait!!

A great opportunity, and also hope to be given up...

Hmm... though it may suck having to stay @ grandma's for 3days without the internet... i guess theres something else that i can do, i mean like well i obviously can take this opportunity to draw closer to GOD so i guess somehow its also good :) bad part is i've i got a long journey to church every morning... haha i really hope i can grow well and learn from this time that GOD has set aside for me...

Somehow i feel like giving up in the situation i'm in.... somehow i just feel very discourage, because i really cant see any hope right now... i just feel so distant, hmm... i guess that is just life... holy spirit come and guide and teach me....

Thank You GOD!

A new discipline instilled...

haha it was kind of amazing how i managed to wake up @ 515am without telling myself okay i give up i'm too tired... lets do this tomorrow... wow its just simply great to be able to wake up that early just to go church for prayer meetings... man fantastic! haha well prayer meeting was great, you could really feel the atmosphere being different and all... and boy oh boy the turn out was much much more than i initially expected! Amen! Praise the Lord! Haha well the rest of the day was fun! i mean i never had this much fun in years man... having the whole morning available and all haha sure is fun... thou i sure am a horrible singer... but i guess i really had fun @ Kbox.. maybe we shld do it more often yeah? LOLOL! anyhows met richard later in the night had some time of sharing, but i felt kinda dry after that... kinda frustrated at myself... i guess that feeling just came naturally to me... but anyhows i guess i'm over it... somehow i felt alot better after chatting with you over the phone... thanks alot! (and Thank You GOD!) yes althou you some how managed to make me promise something...lawl i just wonder how do you do it... whats the trick behind it... care to share? haha...

Thank You GOD for making my day such a wonderful one, and also Thank You for teaching me and guiding me Holy Spirit :) Tomorrow will be a greater day! everyday shall be a new encounter with GOD! :) Amen!!!

Though Times ahead...

I can see the times ahead will not be an easy one... infact it is going to be very very though for me and my mum especially... because we know the truth, it hurts and disappoints us alot but i guess that is life, we've got a choice and i choose to live in the truth no matter how painful it gets.
Lost and heavily burdened with my family affairs and not only that there are certain issues of the heart that i'm sad and burdened, but its okay GOD is gracious and merciful i will stand strong and go on walking no matter how heavy and tiring my burdens get :) haha i can do all things through Christ who is within me :)

I guess rising up as a leader isnt easy, with all this kind of crap happening in my family and my life... i thought i would have already given up, but GOD sure knows how to keep me going i guess.. haha GOD sure is amazing. I mean like my family is more or less screwed, my own life is still getting back on track, my loveeee life is still some what near darn invicible(prolly not going to go into this point for now, perhaps in the later stages.)... this kind of things really just bogs you down making you want to give up and say "Okay its over, I'm finished there isn't a point in fighting anymore, lets just call it." BUT out of all this i'm making progress in my spiritual life! i'm growing every single day, i'm loving GOD more and more everyday! Amen praise the LORD! "seek first the kingdom of GOD and everything shall be added on to you."

I believe that ultimately one day everything will be fine... all that is in a mess right now will be fine in time to come. GOD please hear me out, i'm desperate... i need you... i'm wounded, i'm broken... i'm nothing.

Cross Roads...

Oh boy... what an eventful day i would say... heated exchanges in the morning really spoilt my day man... but oh wells i guess it was meant to be... man i tried to wear my mask but i guess it didnt work... i could hard smile for the 1st half of the day... during service i was kinda heartbroken i guess... especially when pastor talked about respect,provision,protection,love... oh oh wells i guess thats how my life is suppose to be? atleast during the 2nd half of the day i felt alot better after knowing what i want... which is standing firm that i can no longer live a lie even if it is going to cost me everything... even if i have to lose my earthly father...

well we went to play pool... which was fun... i guess todae i no form? also maybe todae i feeling generous... most of the time i was like "pang chiu" haha... after tht as usually go home lor... suprisingly the gate wasnt padlock... but still i guess i better start looking for an alternative shelter just to be safe... haha... anyways i reach drop off my bag den go for supper liao? haha i guess i really needed a break away ba...man the language was really free following i guess.. and in a way i guess it felt good ba... haha i guess i'm tired ba, ciao time to koonz! thou i haven bathe yet la... too tired i guess.

A wonderful and unpleasant Friday

Oooo i love fridays! yeah fridays are great because its the start of weekends..anyway exam results are out, i'm happy with my results although i failed maths haha but its good that i passed eng and mpo... atleast i'll only repeat 1 module so i guess it aint so bad (GOD is gracious!), Had lunch with Richard at 608 today... haha i had jap food and well i didnt quite like it to be honest... i was actually kinda disappointed..(blame those numbskull brothers of mine keep telling me it aint bad..grr) but oh wells i guess maybe there wouldn't be a second time? haha...

Gathering @ Ben's place! haha man we (me, jasmine and penny) got lost on our way to Ben's place... we sort off ended up in pasir ris... thats way way off course... haha so yeah we ended up taking a cab to Ben's place and guess what? Jam on the TPE... some driver dunno how to drive go bang another car den tht car banged another car... end up 3 cars involved.. haha poor car in the middle... (u can imagine..) well we finally reached Ben's place @ ard 7 i guess? (praise the lord!) haha... well the food was great, the fellowship was great and best of all we celebrated Richard's Bdae! haha.. all went well till it was time to go back... which was around 1030... thats when things turned bad for me... stupid home having all the problems and crap like that (oh wells i'm sure GOD will take care of it.)... really made me pissed and sad... but oh wells eventually i was persuaded to go home (well you know who you are :p Thanks alot! and Thank You GOD!)... when i got home everything was @ peace (Thanks GOD) well thats all for now... tml will be another story...( i really hope all will be fine...)

THANK YOU GOD!

Beginings of something great.

i must say i've took a long time to get back on track with GOD, but ever since i've made the decision to get back on track, i feel i've been progressing at a steady pace... but i feel the urge and the need to grow at an even faster pace, my passion and drive for JESUS has never been this strong and i'm happy that it is strong ") the road ahead is a long and harsh road... but hey who cares? if GOD is with me who can be against me? I guess everything began when i decided to settle down in City Harvest Church, i really began to experience GOD on a whole different level. Its like i've done so many horrible things, some of which i could never really forgive myself in the past... not until i decided to come back to GOD.. was when i could really forgive myself through the grace of GOD and his mercy.

I came back to GOD wounded, Shattered, Broken, But GOD who loved me for who i am healed me and ultimately accepted and forgave my sins... like all children we tend to rebel at times and disobey our parents but GOD loved us so much he sent his only son JESUS to die for us so that we may be saved. Everytime we sin against him, he feels very sad and hurt but yet through his grace and mercies for us he forgives us. who are we that should GOD do all this for us? I've come to the fact that it is because we're his creation, his children thats why he has done all this for us despite the fact that we have sinned time and time again, like a father who loves his rebellious child. God has never and will never FORSAKE me but it was i who chose to FORSAKE him, but still he accepted me when i cried out to him... still he forgave me... still he healed me.

As i grew along the way i was reminded about alot of things in the past... how i first started off to point when my flame was extinguished which ultimately led me to backslide... with all these bad experiences coming back to me... i realised i had the choice to either let it be a stepping stone for me to do greater things for GOD or let it be a foothold for satan to pull me back... yes those were hurting moments and the events that followed after... but now i choose to see those experiences as a learning point, a testimonial to GOD's greatness of how he has healed and pick me up from the ashes of my own destruction... a reminder of GOD's grace and mercy.

Ever since then i feel i've been blessed by GOD, i was given the 2nd chance to rise up for GOD... I responded to his 2nd calling... yes i turned away from my 1st calling many years ago to rise up for GOD... and by that step of faith that i took to rise up for GOD on the 2nd calling, i felt i've released myself from that nutshell i holed myself up in ever since she left me... i felt that i could do alot more for GOD. I feel that i'm somehow transforming into something great... leadership qualities that i once had are slowly being recovered from the abyss that i've discarded in. I can feel a revival happening around me... in the church and the cell group, GOD is definately moving within us and something great will happen. After i responded to the 2nd calling i felt the urgency to pray for the youths, felt as if that GOD is telling me to pray for the youths to be more driven and on fire for HIM, i felt the urgency to rise up and lead the younger generation into the great things to come from GOD.

I guess I didnt have to wait too long for an opportunity to rise up. There was a youth camp being organized and at first I telling myself well its for youths and i'm overaged... so I really was contemplating if I should go... i was actually trying to find more excuses to not go then reason to go! I mean its like since Brendan and Joel are going, it should be enough since they are leaders it really shouldn't be much of a problem (haha no offence guys if your reading it) and also i was thinking that it wouldn't make much of a difference if i went or not... I guess everything changed when i found out they would only be joining the team after their classes ended... and that only Ben and Jasmine would be around to lead the team on in Brendan and Joel's absence.. that was when I felt I should go to the camp and give my support too, and so it was i decided to go for the camp, (well my personal objectives for the camp were to support the team and learn atleast something from that experience... haha i never had the intention of going to the camp for the fun installed.) and beside my mum was urging me to go for the camp too since i had nothing to do. (Praise the Lord!)

Well i wouldn't really write much about the camp itself but instead i'm going to write more about what I've learnt from the camp. (i just realised that i'm getting alil draggy in this post haha...) GOD sure has everything planned nicely for me, i mean i really wanted an opportunity to rise up for HIM and he made it in such a way that i really had to rise up its as if i didnt have a choice haha what a way but i'm glad i was given that opportunity. i guess i really learnt and rediscoverd my leadership qualities that i've lost, (well actually i chose to deny those qualities.) I really believed GOD has taken my patience and understanding level up 1 notch. I also really learnt to be a team player this time round, (i really used to be a lone ranger type of fellow... u can ask edmund.) and also i rediscovered my desire to lead. well there is 1 more thing that i rediscovered... but that is going to be a personal secret between me, a brother and GOD for now haha... I really want to thank Ben (he thought me how to not allow pesonal feelings get in the way :p) and especially Jasmine (she really said alot of things to me which really made me go into deep thoughts.) for without them i would not have be able to learn what i have learnt and rediscover what i have lost so many years ago.. so a VERY BIG THANK YOU TO BOTH OF YOU!!!

Ultimately, THANK YOU GOD for allowing me to go for the camp and also for the things you have done in my life, THANK YOU JESUS for saving me, THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT for guiding me!!!