Breaking the boundaries of self deception

hmm... seems like I'm still coping well but I definately have to start opening up to more people, I mean hey brother edmund is right... I can't go on like this forever or else, I'll forever be stuck in this pot hole... Who knows I might feel better after I talk about it? I guess we'll all know soon enough.

God made man and woman for a reason and he also made them dependable on each other. Just as much as God has filled the void, I know that deep within me I'm missing something... feel incomplete... pain... no matter how much I try to deny and deceive myself, I know I too need my special someone...

-mich

Unexpected returns of the past.

The past has come back to haunt me... I have no idea why the past returns, I should have already moved on... the mistakes I've made, the unhappy memories... it is all coming back, slowly intensifying the torment.

Joyful Joyful

I believe there are many wonderful things that are going to happen around me, as some have already happened... things been good so far in my relationship with dad, we've been talking once again and it seems all good:) Praise the Lord! I believe more breakthrus will come!! just need to pray and fast :) 

"a feeling warmness but yet so cold"

-mich

Words of encouragement that suddenly just came...

Casting aside all worldly issues and focusing my heart,mind and soul on God for it is written "Seek 1st the kingdom of God and everything else shall be added on to you." The mindset that we have determines the person that we will be. The Faithless will crumble and fall even at the slightest obstacle, the Faithful will stand strong even when faced with the toughest obstacle. Even when we are faithless, God is still faithful! and while God is still faithful how can we, his children be faithless? When God believes in US who are WE to doubt him? All glory and thanks to the LORD OUR GOD, for without him we are nothing but just empty shells.

you might wonder why I suddenly penned this down, believe me my brothers and sisters when I say I do not know why but suddenly while showering this thought just came to me and I felt the urge to just pen this in my blog. It prolly could well just be for me or anyone else and I Thank the Lord for filling my mind with such wonderful words of encouragement.

A decision made.

Its been a week since I came back and I've seen significant changes happening to me within just 1 week and now I've finally made the ultimate decision that is I will no longer play dumb anymore, I must rise up. It is time I finally buckle down, yes I am afraid of failing and rejection but so what I will no longer run but instead stand up and face it. I must be who GOD has created not what I am, I cannot run forever so now I've made my decision to rise up and be serious. It will not be easy but I will press on, I'm scared but I will be courageous. With that enough has been said, I am no longer what I am but what GOD has created. I must and will let GOD run my life, what he says I will do. I must do great things for HIM and glorify HIM in all that I do.


-mich

The Past, The Present, The Future

Its just been a few days since I decided to slide on back towards God and changes within me has been going on, not only changes but also more internal conflicts... but I guess it's okay, I think I can handle them on my own for now. Temptations are aplenty and so far I guess I'm resisting them fine. Hope it stays that way... yes I know the road will not be an easy one and also changes will be inevitable and more so the pain that will come along with it, but I guess I'm up to the task after all I guess I'm no stranger to pain. I guess after reading brother Edmund's blog... I sort of reflected on how far has God brought me too... well I guess studying in a mission school for a good 11 years has allowed me to grow up in a Christian environment and mind you I was sent to Acension kindergarten it too taught Christian values... hmm.. now it seems that 1/2 my life so far I was brought up in an Christian Environment. Back then I was young and really didnt know who jesus was and what was his purpose, you know the funny thing is I responded to altar call without knowing what it was all about.. I just had this feeling that I've got to go there, its as if a dormant part of me was suddenly awake and telling me, "Marcus you've got to go, this is something you really really don't want to miss out"... really sounds bizarre right? But I guess over the years I've come to know who Jesus is and what was his purpose.. now here's something that happened to me on a few occasions... well I've had no less than 3 people telling the same thing, I will do many great and wonderful things for God... at that age I was like "what?! are you crazy?? I'm just an ordinary guy how can I possibly do great and wonderful things for God?" even now I'm like "woah lets just take 1 step at a time, how am I suppose to do great and wonderful things for God when I don't even know my own talents? and further more I'm not in very good shape." But I guess well God being God, nothing is impossible for him :)

Hey now don't laugh at me just because I don't know my own talents... seriously sometimes I even wonder do I even have any talents... imo i feel like I'm more of a jack of all trades, master of none... maybe in time to come God will change that? well atleast I do hope he would. hmm... brother Edmund did tell me to rise up and all... and I was like "what?! rise up?! NOW?! you've got to be kidding me... just as when I've gotten naise and comfy in my chair you're telling me to get my butt off that wonderful chair..." haha I guess that was kinda typical of me, seriously I mean who likes to get out of their comfort zones and all... but I guess well he does have a point, and well knowing me for a good 15 years atleast he sure does know how to hit the soft where he knows I'll respond.. you cheeky fellow... sometimes you play dirty you know that? haha. well I guess in all I know what I want for now, and there's alot of work to be done... gonna have to pick up all the pieces again. Rebuilding to greatness in progress.

Haha I think I can plan for the future once again, or rather I'm begining to feel that I still can achieve the future I want :) though I do not know what lies ahead but I am sure that God will be with me throughout the whole journey. What is it that I want in life? well I guess for now I want to serve God to the best of my abilities, able to grad with a degree and settle down @ 28. woah yes it's 28... it may come as a shocker to most... but yes i'm serious its 28 man... most of you people might be thinking "what?! you? settling down @ 28? you gotta be kidding man given your playful nature and all most would think that you wouldn't even plan to settle down man." well sorry people i too thought I wouldn't settle down too... but you see things change and well someone came along and now I'm working on it to make it all come to pass... I guess this is my goal and my future I would like to have and yes alot of overcoming of fears and hard work is needed in order to achieve this. Don't get me wrong man I get scared when it comes down to afew things like, Studying, Decision making and getting into a relationship with the girl i really really really like alot... now don't laugh here... you might think "but what?! you've already been in and out of relationships man this should be like something that is the norm for you so why in the world you getting scared?!" but let me tell you something I'm just like everyone else that gets scared so yeah don't ask me why... cos there is a part of me that isnt for just anyone to know, only those who are special to me will get to know it.

-mich

The ultimate Confusion, The last stand...

hmm... planning huh... seems like a fantastic idea to me, however all that I've planned can no longer come to pass, it is all over... i simply cannot see it coming to pass. I think i'll just take things as they come ba... no point in me planning... somehow it never seems to work for me or rather i have no talent? maybe i'm just borned to be just like everyone else in this mundane world... nothing special about me i guess... just your average joe. Today's CG was abt planning and all... well it was nice and encouraging but however i simply cant see it happening, some people say plans are rigid, but others says plans can be flexible... too flexible the plan will fail, too rigid also will fail... headache headache.

I wanna thank you all who's been encouraging me and trust me when I say it really means alot to me and I appreciate it..really... I've never had any friends who would encourage me this way (except for brother edmund back then la but really wasnt much of a help thou :p) which somehow makes me confused... Cos i really never never thought that there would be anymore others there who would encourage and help me in such a way... even my good brother delvin who has helped me in different ways, going thru thick and thin with me for a good 18 years now has not done something like this... maybe its cos he's not a believer? I don't know, I'm confused and disturbed. I don't want to celebrate my birthday because I've felt it's quite insignificant and somehow I haven really felt happy celebrating it for some years now... It's just like any other ordinary day to me... maybe because as I grow older the people around me just seem to somehow to forget it... yes friends whom i wanted to celebrate with had forgotten, relatives i want to celebrate with are busy... maybe it's because of all these that I feel insignificant to celebrate... disappointment? sadness? maybe so.. maybe so.. I'm actually shocked that CG kinda of insist on celebrating it when I told them I don't want to.. yes shocked but yet in a way happy on the inside.. why are people being so naise? Something is stirring within me which i thought had died off a long time ago... when I've seen the horrors of reality, but why now? is this all part of reality? all that I've witness in life... every man for himself, its a dog eat dog world... so how can this be? does something else that I used to believe in really exist?

Hmm... alot of talk about marriage and all been going around... heard that pastor has been talking about it alot... well its great to hear that brother Kenrus is dating, brother edmund has someone in sights and currently working on it and i heard Mel has someone in mind and working on it too.. haha it's great really great... Its fun to just know and see people getting together and all, all it took was for pastor to talk about it and the masses are getting their act together.. haha wonderful, beautiful sight it is.. as for me i do have someone in mind but I'm prolly too scared to do anything so maybe I'll just watch her from afar... yeah I'm scared alright don't get me wrong I ain't all gung-ho i too get scared when it comes down to the real deal... but what is it that I'm scared of? I guess I too would like to be attached once more but it's different this time... alot more different and difficult... I'm longer in it for the fun, it's no longer a play thing... my last serious one ended in shatters and I was broken... ever since all the relationships were just a fun thing... now that I'm looking @ a serious one and prolly my last if i were ever to be successful, I'm scared and lost... totally not confident at all, I guess my previous serious one took along all my confidence along with it when it ended in shatters. I actually didn't want to think about all this, but with all this talk and events revolving around me... it kinda made me think about it. Haha pastor said to get married @ 28 was it? haha my exact thoughts initially (note the word initially) however now I'm 23 and its another 5 years to go till 28 (my initial plan was to settle down @ 28) haha I don't think I can make it happen @ the rate I'm at now... being scared, no confidence and all... maybe a miracle will happen? haha wishful thinking on my part prolly wun happen at all. so yeah until then I think I'll just be watching from afar.

Things @ home seems be okay.. my relationship with my brothers are still okay i guess.. i mean we do talk, play games together like old times... i guess its okay... however my relationship with my mum seems to have gotten alil strained its not that bad but it could change anytime I guess... and yes my relationship with my dad is some what unchanged... somehow this is the longest "coldwar" I've had with him... I haven spoken to him (as in chatting and all like father and son) for about 2-3mths now.. and somehow I'm sadden that things turned out this way, it's as if we're totally invisible to each other. I guess ultimately I could never have a family I like it to be... with so many different perspectives and ideals... I guess it can never happen, but the thing is I love my Dad still... even thou he's hurt me and all I love him... strange isn't it? well according to my mum history has it that my family line, all the men had problems expressing their love to each other (father and son la dun anyhow think) so maybe this is something I've gotta live with?

So I guess it all boils down to the last stand huh? I don't think I can continue to "retreat" any further because there is just simply no more place for to run to anymore. I'm at the last bastion, I have to buckle down for 1 last charge, it's a do or die situation I guess don't really have much of a choice and honestly I don't like the sound and idea of it but I just can't see what I can do other then to brace myself and go all out... with my back against the final bastion this is The Last Stand, either I'm Defeated or Victorious. I guess we'll all find out in time to come...

-mich

some random post lawl

weewwwww... i guess i'm writing cos I have seriously nothing to do at this point in time... its like so boring.. everything seems so uninteresting... its as if nothing interests me anymore... can you believe it? i'm actually finding GAMING BORING! ZOMG cant believe this is happening... maybe i need a new environment? i dunno... just had my 2nd interview today... to be honest i'm not really confident about it, or rather somehow i just felt that i've screwed it up... man it just seems i cant get anything done right... everything is just so messy. getting myself into a whole load of shlt and all... well looking on the bright side... atleast i think the school have decided to let me and my whole clique off in regards to that stupid incident... on the ugly side... more or less everything else is still messy. oh well i'm back to keeping long hair haha yeah i know i'll look pretty old in long hair but yeah... it doesnt matter (well actually theres another reason to it) now all i can hope for is that I wun have to cut my hair... short hair makes me look so boyish...

hmmm... its already sept now a new month but yet all seems the same, no progress haha bleah maybe this month things will change for the better? haha i hope it will :) and yes... my good brother edmund, wish ya all e best man... take heart dont give up just forge on ahead! UP&ON! i'm sure you make it this time.. very sure that is... so dont disappoint me and above all else dont let yourself down! cheers!!!