I wanna thank you all who's been encouraging me and trust me when I say it really means alot to me and I appreciate it..really... I've never had any friends who would encourage me this way (except for brother edmund back then la but really wasnt much of a help thou :p) which somehow makes me confused... Cos i really never never thought that there would be anymore others there who would encourage and help me in such a way... even my good brother delvin who has helped me in different ways, going thru thick and thin with me for a good 18 years now has not done something like this... maybe its cos he's not a believer? I don't know, I'm confused and disturbed. I don't want to celebrate my birthday because I've felt it's quite insignificant and somehow I haven really felt happy celebrating it for some years now... It's just like any other ordinary day to me... maybe because as I grow older the people around me just seem to somehow to forget it... yes friends whom i wanted to celebrate with had forgotten, relatives i want to celebrate with are busy... maybe it's because of all these that I feel insignificant to celebrate... disappointment? sadness? maybe so.. maybe so.. I'm actually shocked that CG kinda of insist on celebrating it when I told them I don't want to.. yes shocked but yet in a way happy on the inside.. why are people being so naise? Something is stirring within me which i thought had died off a long time ago... when I've seen the horrors of reality, but why now? is this all part of reality? all that I've witness in life... every man for himself, its a dog eat dog world... so how can this be? does something else that I used to believe in really exist?
Hmm... alot of talk about marriage and all been going around... heard that pastor has been talking about it alot... well its great to hear that brother Kenrus is dating, brother edmund has someone in sights and currently working on it and i heard Mel has someone in mind and working on it too.. haha it's great really great... Its fun to just know and see people getting together and all, all it took was for pastor to talk about it and the masses are getting their act together.. haha wonderful, beautiful sight it is.. as for me i do have someone in mind but I'm prolly too scared to do anything so maybe I'll just watch her from afar... yeah I'm scared alright don't get me wrong I ain't all gung-ho i too get scared when it comes down to the real deal... but what is it that I'm scared of? I guess I too would like to be attached once more but it's different this time... alot more different and difficult... I'm longer in it for the fun, it's no longer a play thing... my last serious one ended in shatters and I was broken... ever since all the relationships were just a fun thing... now that I'm looking @ a serious one and prolly my last if i were ever to be successful, I'm scared and lost... totally not confident at all, I guess my previous serious one took along all my confidence along with it when it ended in shatters. I actually didn't want to think about all this, but with all this talk and events revolving around me... it kinda made me think about it. Haha pastor said to get married @ 28 was it? haha my exact thoughts initially (note the word initially) however now I'm 23 and its another 5 years to go till 28 (my initial plan was to settle down @ 28) haha I don't think I can make it happen @ the rate I'm at now... being scared, no confidence and all... maybe a miracle will happen? haha wishful thinking on my part prolly wun happen at all. so yeah until then I think I'll just be watching from afar.
Things @ home seems be okay.. my relationship with my brothers are still okay i guess.. i mean we do talk, play games together like old times... i guess its okay... however my relationship with my mum seems to have gotten alil strained its not that bad but it could change anytime I guess... and yes my relationship with my dad is some what unchanged... somehow this is the longest "coldwar" I've had with him... I haven spoken to him (as in chatting and all like father and son) for about 2-3mths now.. and somehow I'm sadden that things turned out this way, it's as if we're totally invisible to each other. I guess ultimately I could never have a family I like it to be... with so many different perspectives and ideals... I guess it can never happen, but the thing is I love my Dad still... even thou he's hurt me and all I love him... strange isn't it? well according to my mum history has it that my family line, all the men had problems expressing their love to each other (father and son la dun anyhow think) so maybe this is something I've gotta live with?
So I guess it all boils down to the last stand huh? I don't think I can continue to "retreat" any further because there is just simply no more place for to run to anymore. I'm at the last bastion, I have to buckle down for 1 last charge, it's a do or die situation I guess don't really have much of a choice and honestly I don't like the sound and idea of it but I just can't see what I can do other then to brace myself and go all out... with my back against the final bastion this is The Last Stand, either I'm Defeated or Victorious. I guess we'll all find out in time to come...
-mich
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