Free, Breakthrough

Hmm... the day started in a pretty weird way for me, woke up @ 1035 and headed on down to amk hub... to play ARCADE! kind of weird right? well i got back @ about 130... had lunch and @ about 230 i went into my usual sunday afternoon slumber... Man I had the same dream again! how spot on can it get... woot sometime wierd is going on definately.. well I shared it with edmund and richard and guess what? edmund told me he had a similar dream 2days back... okay... interesting but wierd... oh wells lets cut the unimportant stuff out shall we?

Haha I had my breakthrough I've been longing for!! I've finally got my breakthrough on my fear of rejection! YEAH!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!! Praise the LORD!! now i feel FREE no longer burdened!!! HAHA!! HE sure knows how to do things with a bang! WOW.

Do I really belong else where?

Hmmm... no matter how hard I try, I always feel I'm different from others... the way I think, the way I do things, the way I interact... it's just so different... no similarities at... do I really belong here? I am quiet because my views will never be accepted, I think I am happy just watching from behind. maybe I should just observe, talk less... because I really dont think that my views are required... If I have to change so that I'll be accepted, then I rather walk away... is there really no place that I can feel comfortable? is there really no where that I will be accepted as myself? Right now I'm just keeping my own ass nice and warm... but how long can I go on like this? Identity? just who am I? Why am I so so so different from my peers? 1 year is all I give myself... Harsh? yes, I dont have a choice anymore... how I progress from now till next june/july will all determine where I'll be... Maybe when I leave I wouldn't come back anymore... I just cant help but think that I belong else where... Maybe I should have taken my dad's offer sometime back and gone to Vegas to study.

Manhood... well it does make some sense... so which means I really dont have a choice this time huh... I've got to do it all once again... yes it hurts, painful memories coming back... but in order to grow I must press on... pressing on even though it hurts? yeah maybe I've already gotten used to the hurt that it becomes a norm... like an everyday affair thing...

Thank You GOD! You are faithful even when we are faithless. somehow problems seems aplenty and I seem to be drowning in them... I can hardly keep myself afloat man... But GOD is faithful and all I need to do is pull my good for nothing ass out of this mess... well easier said then done... looks like its going back to square 1, slowly solving 1 mess @ a time... oh boy here we go again... same old stuff, GOD what is it that you want me to learn from all this?

Letting it all go from my control...

Hello... well I guess nothing much really happend to me for the entire week other then feeling dead and lifeless BUT GOD has been faithful even when I'm faithless! I've been blessed financially!! Amen, Praise the LORD! well I definately need to work harder in certain areas of my life, but 1st and fore most I need to let everything go from my own control into HIS hands... servanthood... an area I'm not too comfortable but yet I have to start getting comfortable, imagine after all those years of having people serve you, then all of a sudden its your turn to serve people... its hard for me to sallow BUT I can do it through HIM who gives me strength!
well I'm definately looking forward to my growth in this area and as well as my overall growth! it seems that I'm slowly begining to identify more problem areas but up till now I have really solved all... if this keeps up how will I ever solve all? hmmm.... maybe thats the reason why I have the gift of FAITH. Whoooo... life is so full of surprises, either you take it or you crumble.

Here we go again...

well... here we go again... I've just hit the low spot once again... it really does suck to be at the low point, everything seems dead an uninteresting... what's worst, I'm doing things that I know its wrong and shouldn't even think of it much less do it... I really really really need to pull my ass out of this state fast... but right now I just seem so out of sorts... to make matters worst school is starting next week... my oh my, how am I ever going to pull myself out of this slump before school starts.... well as much as I hate to admit it, I really need some help here.... but stubborn as a mule, i'll prolly say "its okay, no big deal at all, nothing I cant handle (with a huge smile there)"
Oh Lord I need some help here... please send help, I'm sinking...I'm drowning... *argh!*

I've just realised that my tolerance for my grandma's nonsense is rather on the short fused... man she'll drive me nuts if I stay on any longer @ her house man... within 24hours I had to answer her the same question about 3-4 times... amagad! terrible terrible... but I guess I cant blame her though, she's getting on with age... sometimes I wonder how much longer does she has on this world... and how much longer I have to share the gospel and see her get saved... Once again time is ticking... Once again I need to shape up and act fast. Boy oh boy here we go again.

A decision to make....

hmm... seems like another slow slow day, another meaningless day passing by... well I had lunch with Richard @ 608 today haha I guess we had a rather fruitful convo :) after that I went home to sleep!!!! yes sleep!!! I guess I wasnt in shape to do anything else. well i woke up just in time to go for dinner! haha and boy oh boy what a fantastic dinner it was! I had my favourite CHILLI CRABS!!! ooo-la-la!!! check that out baby! well after that my day just reverted back into an uninteresting one... life is boring @ the moment, nothing to spice up my life... maybe when school starts things might just get alittle more interesting? hmmm... I dont really know what will happen, how will things change for the worst or for the better...

Decisions,decisions,decisions... an important one I have to make,
Soon it must be or destroyed I will be,
Faithless as I am now or Faithful I should be,
Lost as I am or Found I shall be,
In the darkness or in the light,
Filled with fear or be filled with courage,
Run away or stand and fight,
My weakness forever or My strength it will be,
Stagnate as I am or Grow I shall,
So important is this decision.

Changes...

Slow day it has been... went to watch KungFu Panda in the afternoon with wanfong and penny @ amk hub haha the show is pretty funny! so yeah guys go watch it if u want some laughter!

I feel I'm changing into someone I dont know,
I feel that things wont be the same anymore,
The world I live in, the world I'm comfortable in will all disappear soon,
I'm losing all that I've nurtured over the years,
Everything I've believed in over the years are begining to hurt me,
All that i've learnt in the past is it just but a mere illusion?
Torn between what I've believed and I've come to believe,
A sacrifice I have to make, a decision I have made,
Once again I've come to love, despite telling myself never to love again,
Again a wall too high appears, again I might fall,
Once again I must fight, gone are the days of hiding,
A final challenge, the last time I must give my all,
In God I trust, by my own strength I do not trust,
I cannot turn back now, in you my LORD I entrust myself.

How is it that I could love again?
I've told myself that I would never feel for another like that again,
Now I must face myself once more, now I must go through pain and hurt,
A problem I had left behind returns, I dont want to love another like that again,
But why does it come back to me again, I dont want to be hurt,
How could it be that I have fallen for one without knowing why?
I'm scared to even make the 1st move, its not like me to react this way,
I do not know what to do anymore, I'm lost.

Back in action!

Hellooooo people! i'm back in action again after having no internet connection for 3days! haha i was staying @ grandma's for 3 days which explains why i haven't been blogging. Haha things are going smoothly, lots of great things has happend and i'm sure there is more to come as i continue my walk with GOD (praise the LORD!). Haha in the mist of all the burdens and problems came help from an unexpected source...my aunt (Thank You God!)... as i was spending time with my grandma, my aunt popped by and i took this opportunity to share my problems with her, and what she said to me really took me by surprise! i was completely shocked but yet happy that i was able to receive such an insight! she shared with me Eph 6:10-18 and told me that it is not the flesh and blood that i should be fighting, but it is the one behind him that i should be fighting... which boils down to Spiritual Warfare!!! this has really taken my perspective to a whole new level something beyond i could realise it on my own...how blinded have i become? Thank You LORD for sending help and encouragement in my times of need. I feel that i am really blessed to know that there are others who cares and are concerned about my well being physically and spiritually :) Thank you everyone!! knowing that alone already gives me the motivation and courage to continue!! (Thank You GOD!! Praise the LORD!!)

Last but not least, the past week has been one amazing roller coaster ride! i actually managed to got to church every morning faithfully for prayer meeting!!! haha i really can do all things through Christ!!! HE has strenghten my discipline to wake up early WITHOUT grumbling!!! Praise the LORD!!! i've attained a new level in my discipline!!! and also I've begun to LOVE praying!!! woot!!!! Amen!!! the LORD is WONDERFUL!!! I definately need to rise up to another level again and i hope its going to be soon!!! i just cant wait!!